01/04/2004
Sainsbury's share price today trebled on news that the once mighty retail group had agreed to sell 20% of the company to the Lord God Almighty. Shares in rivals Tesco , meanwhile, plunged by 60% as the company announced that stores in Essex, Hertfordshire and the Midlands appear to have vanished from the face of the Earth.
"We are very happy to have God on board", said J Sainsbury chairman, Sir Peter Davis. "He brings an infinite number of years experience to our management team and we fully expect he will instill an omnipresent sense of loyalty and competitive Holy Spirit.
Analysts remain divided as to God's specific role in helping the Uk's former number one retailer get back into the top three. "Historically, God's business practices have been a little hard to read," said UBS analyst Jean-Paul Sartre." At times he's pro-labour, such as the Egyptian incident, in which he dismantled a slave based economy and embarrassed top management by introducing plague and pestilence."
However, chief economic analyst Eric Potter at HarryHindsight.com, believes that it is Gods ability to poach customers form the competition that is the main interest to Sainsbury. " I have been saying for years that the only way Sainsbury could ever compete with Tesco is by a bloody miracle. Tesco are better on price, quality and customer service but now Sainsbury will be able to win business by commanding it be so."
Potter also added that the Lords aggressive "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" philosophy could create a new type of customer, which Potter calls the involuntary consumer. Potter said " Consumers are going to have to ask themselves whether they want to be a customer of a superior competitor and risk eternal damnation."
Tesco's were unwilling to comment though one insider was allegedly heard to say " Well we thought they needed divine intervention to compete with us."
God did not answer repeated prayers for comment.
Harry