28/11/2002
COMMERZBANK TO CUT STAFF BY 110%
* please read note at the bottom
In a move intended to bolster investor confidence and thereby its share price Commerzbank has decided to take the unprecedented step of laying off 110% of its workforce. This is belived to be the first time that a company has laid off more employees than it actually has. The share price is expected to soar on the news.
This action comes after a year long review. A Commerzbank spokesman explained:
" Our initial findings concluded that if we cut staff numbers by 10% then we would save 200 mio euros. We then worked out that we could save 2 billion euros if we cut the whole staff. It was then that we got really clever and decided that if we cut the staff by 110% we might actually be able to make a profit."
However members who might be tempted to buy the shares on the back of this news then please be careful. Before this innovative initiative can be passed it must pass through the various boards and committees that make up the Commerzbank management structure. These include: The Group Staff Council, The Central Staff Council, The 16 Regional Advisory Committees, The 21 members of the Central Advisory Board, The 21 members of the Supervisory Board, the 8 members of the Board of Managing Directors and then finally to the Chairman.
Don't therefore expect this to go through for a few years!
Harry
* It should be noted, especially by any German lawyers who might struggle with humour that the above is not true, apart from the bit about the management structure, and they wonder why they can't make any money! Anyway it is what we in England call satire so please don't bother trying to sue us.